Week 2

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Rudy Bowl, Where Winners Win, where this week the pool went a collective 0-for-4 on games that 100 percent of you agreed on. Take a bow. All of you. Simultaneously. Your Week 2 champion and reigning Grand Duke of the Third Down is Dan Schinsky, "Third Down For What," who rode 12-4 to twenty American dollars — and did it while whiffing on the Monday night total by SEVENTEEN. He guessed 51, the actual was 34, and he still won going away. That's not skill, that's the rest of you clearing a path. A four-way logjam at 11-5 behind him got sorted by Braden Cecil edging the field on the tiebreak while Holly, Hootie, the Hartes and Susie all sat at 48 like they were sharing one Ouija board. Now the carnage. Four games — FOUR — where the entire pool locked arms and marched off a cliff. New Orleans went into Baltimore and won 24-17 with 100 percent of you on the Ravens. Cleveland took down Tampa 23-19, unanimously wrong. Minnesota beat Chicago 9-3 in a game where 96 percent of you took the Bears and the two teams combined for twelve points — you didn't just lose, you lost boring. And Vegas rolled the Chargers 26-14 with 87 percent of you on LA. The pool got cooked four separate ways and still nobody dropped below six. Speaking of six: welcome to the basement, where Margie "Marge in Charge," BTN "BTN_Squared," and Jeanette "Big Pick Energy" all posted a proud 6-10. Big Pick Energy, small pick results. Margie at least has an alibi — her MNF guess of 32 was off by only two, the sharpest number in the entire pool, which means she can read a Monday night but not a single Sunday afternoon. That's a specialty. And a moment of silence for Brady Nugent, "Brads Discord," who called a Hail Mary tie on Washington at Dallas — a game that ended 20-37, not remotely close to level — then topped it off with a Monday total guess of 62 against an actual 34, off by twenty-eight, the worst number anyone submitted all week. That's not a pick sheet, that's a cry for help written in crayon. Season-wise, remember it's games won that takes the ring, and Jake "The Probably gonna losers" is somehow leading the whole thing at 22 despite the self-scouting team name, tied with Julie, the Hartes and Susie. Meanwhile your Week 2 winner Dan sits twelfth at 19 — proof that you can win the battle and still be losing the war. See you next week, where the winners, allegedly, win.